6.) Loneliness And Need For Intimacy Was Non-Existent.
This is an interesting one. This was never an issue for me, never, until about 1-2 years ago. At that time (a year and half ago), for the first in my life I started to feel a little tinge of loneliness. In America nowadays, this is becoming more and more of a problem, to the point that its now basically a national crisis.
Ahh the smartphone, thank you smartphone! You’ve made us all feel so much more connected!!
Anyway, I’m actually not entirely sure if what I feel has to do more with what’s happening to everyone else, or if its just me personally. I know that at least some of why I started to feel this was specific to my personal situation. 2 years ago, I started a business, and although I run a lot of appointments for this business, for the most part its still a pretty isolating gig.
On top of that I have this blog, and blogging is as isolating as its gets, at least in the first few years. So I know those 2 factors are at least in part contributing to it.
Another thing that has changed these last couple years is, I no longer have the little mini-relationships I used to have. Used to be, about 2-4 years ago, I would have these 2-3 month fling’s with different women, then when it got to a point where when they wanted more from me, I would bounce out. These little mini-relationships created an illusion that (probably) helped alleviate that feeling of loneliness.
Why did these stop for me? Work, and my dedication towards my mission. My work life became increasingly intense.
7.) No Matter How Much I liked A Particular Girl, I Wasn’t Willing To Tolerate Certain Things.
Here’s a short list of what I wasn’t willing to tolerate:
1.) Her having kids
2.) Her not having sex with me within the 1st few dates (now my view in this has changed)
3.) An above average level of moodiness (I’m still not willing to to tolerate this one)
4.) Different political views (this hasn’t changed, in fact, its gotten worse)
4.) Her not being feminine enough (this is a more recent one, but is one I’ve been paying close attention to and has turned me off to several girls recently).
8.) For A Long Time, I Wasn’t Self Actualized Enough.
This just comes with age and time. I don’t think its too common for a man to be fully self-actualized before the age of 30. Of course there will be the exceptions, but that’s what they are: exceptions. It took me years, YEARS, of reading books, blogs, and watching/listening to self improvement material to reach what I now consider to be a legitimate level of self-actualization. Of course, you should never consider yourself to be at a point where no more growth is needed. More growth is always needed, there is always a next level to go up to.
As it relates to women, the more self-actualized you are as man, the more woman will respond positively to you. As a result, when you’re not self-actualized, or don’t know completely (on deep level) who you are and what you stand for, will make it harder for you to obtain a girlfriend.
I talked in part 1 of this article, about how I was intentionally keeping myself single in my 20’s. Could it be perhaps, that certain women (favorable women, like ones I would actually want as a GF) just weren’t responding often enough to me? Or as intensely? Could it be that, as a result of being less self-actualized, that I wasn’t getting the reactions I needed to pursue a particular girl seriously?
I’m just theorizing here, I may be completely wrong, and could very well have been more self-actualized than I’m giving myself credit for, but its a question worth asking.
I’m confident enough to believe, that this had at least something to do my lack of a girfriend. To what degree it did, I may never know.
9.) In My Mid-Late 20’s, My Social Life Was Much More Important To Me.
I seem to shit all over the idea of having a good social life don’t I?
It’s just where I am at this particular point in my life I guess. Its just not a big concern for me anymore, for whatever reason. However this wasn’t always the case. There was a time in my life when this really mattered and was important to me.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I believe that one’s need for social acceptance and approval, is DIRECTLY linked with their personal level of self-actualization. In other words, I believe the more you understand yourself, who you are, what your mission is (why you’re here), the more you deeply understand that, the less you give a shit about social status and acceptance.
You’re happy with who you are and don’t seek out anyone’s approval. Nevertheless, in my 20’s this was still pretty important to me. Although I’ve never been as preoccupied with social status as some people I know, it was on my radar at that time. Note: when I say ”social life”, that includes my relationships with women. I will say that my sex life, how many women I was seeing, and my relationships with them specifically, was always a significantly greater concern to me than my friendships were.
I say that because with my friendships, I didn’t have to put a lot of work into maintaining them, those friendships came to me naturally (or else they wouldn’t have been my friends). Approaching and sleeping with attractive girls on the other hand, was something I had to work at more, it wasn’t quite as natural for me.
When I think back to those years, and consider what the biggest difference was from then compared to now, I can mainly chalk it up to a few things. The self-actualization, which I’ve already discussed, was one thing, but another big one was just the fact that I felt like I had to prove something to myself. For some reason, I had this inner desire to know that women liked me, and they wanted to be with me.
This was a feeling that much more intense at age 28, than it is at age 32.
You could make the argument that this also ties directly back into self-actualization, and the understanding that you have of yourself.
These days, I just don’t feel the need to prove this to myself as often.
10.) My Need For Sexual Variety Was Higher And More Intense In My 20’s.
Just like your sexual desire is higher when you’re 18, its also higher when you’re 27 than it is when you’re 32. I think more than that however, was my thirst for sexual variety. I wanted to be with multiple women, different women, and I went out of my way to make that happen.
11.) I Had A Skewed View (Unbeknownst To Me), Of Relationships Thanks To A Couple Previously Bad Experiences.
For a much longer period of time than even I realized, I had a somewhat polluted view of what a girlfriend relationship meant. I basically saw it for the opposite of what its supposed to be.: I saw it as a distraction, and a chore, instead of as something to aid and complement my life and goals.
I only focused on what it would take from me, instead of what it would give me. This can be attributed to the poor girlfriend choices I made, because those experiences definitely did not help matters. Consider for moment, how your past relationships or experiences with women might be effecting your current views. After you put some thought into this, you might be very surprised when realizing just how much your views have been skewed.
If you’re dating toxic women, and your relationships are ending badly, consider what your role was in that as well. Take personal responsibility, and realize that you made the decision to enter into a relationship with that woman. No one put a gun to head and forced you to do it, you CHOSE to do it.
Probably because you didn’t know what to screen for, and weren’t clear with yourself on what you were or weren’t willing to tolerate. Remember: no amount of physical attractiveness on her part is worth putting up with bad behavior. If she’s toxic, she’s toxic and that will eventually mean bad news for you.
But just remember: not all women are toxic, so don’t let one or two sour apples spoil the whole bunch.
SUMMARY/CONCLUSION:
The real question that this whole article should have you asking yourself is this: What is you 1 primarily goal? What is your mission? On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that accomplishing that mission/life goal for you?
Got it? Okay good, now ask yourself whether what you’re doing in the women department of your life, is bringing closer to, or further away from accomplishing that goal?
Be honest with yourself, and don’t rush through this exercise, give it careful and serious thought/consideration.
I’m not trying to direct you towards one answer or another, I have no vested interest in what your stance is, I simply want to get you to start considering things like this. Remember what I said at the beginning of this article: be aware of the reasons for why you’re making certain life choices. Why you are doing what you’re doing. Every action you take is likely is bringing you closer to, or further away from your goals.
-Matt Mitchell
